Tribute to an Amiga 1200

It was a cold and dark night in Swansea in 1995, when I received my new Amiga. My previous A1200, on which many essays had been written, and countless campaigns against the Kilrathi had been fought (as well as umpteen trips around the galaxy, starting from Lave), had died earlier that year. It seems that the standard power supply with the Amiga couldn't handle expansion devices and so on, and had given up the ghost after randomly turning itself off, and trashing the hard disk in the process.

So, now armed with a new A1200, supplied by Escom (then owners of the company), a dedicated monitor (no TVs any more!) and a super huge power supply, me and my Amiga set out to conquer the world (much to the chagrin of my then girlfriend Emma, who often had to lure me away... but I digress!). Many campaigns of Civilization were fought (into the early hours) and, with the aid of a CD-ROM drive (that often went wrong too) a huge new world was opened to me.

Fast-forward on a few years, and I managed to get a dirt-cheap modem from work, and finally we had made it onto the internet. They said it couldn't be done (well, those people who hadn't seen an Amiga since an A500), but there we were, surfing the web, e-mailing, on-line shopping, etc. I suppose that was about three years ago now, and unfortunatley, the world is marching on too fast for my poor old girl now. All these websites seem to want you to have Flash or JavaScript routines that work 100%, and the software just can't handle it now.

I could upgrade, I know, but I would be throwing money away on a computer that was designed nearly ten years ago, and it's not worth it. I want to be able to use chat-rooms, play games on the net and watch the latest film-trailers. Don't worry, I haven't sold my soul to the devil and his underling Bill Gates, I would never do that. I plan to get a spangly new iBook (even though it chafes to use things like Outlook Express, and Word!), and update this website to bring it into the 21st century.

Frankly, the jump will be a huge one. I've been looking at various Mac magazines and their reviews, and it's making my mind boggle. I suppose I've never really thought how big the gap between my Amiga and a modern computer is. Just look at these differences:

Feature	iBook DVD	Amiga A1200
Processor	G3 500MHz	68030 50MHz
Cache	256K	Eh?
RAM	128Mb	2Mb Chip & 8Mb Fast
Hard Disk	10 Gb	170 Mb
Optical Drive	DVD-ROM	None, can add CD-ROM
Ports	2xUSB, 1xFireWire, 1xEthernet, AV	Serial, Parallel, PCMCIA
On Screen Colours	At least 32,000 (I think)	32 (Can push it up to 128, but it won't do anything else - at 64 it falls over a lot!)

And that's just scratching the surface! Thirteen times the memory! God knows how much more hard disk space! I had palpitations when I saw that a scanner software for the Mac was looking like it was going to take 20Mb up! My brain can't handle those kind of figures!

It's going to be a hard thing to get used to a whole new operating system. I'm sure I'll say things like "Oh, I used to be able to do that on my Miggy", or "I don't like the way that works on this Mac", but after a while, I'm sure it'll be more like, "Wow, I couldn't do that on my Amiga" or, "Oh, so that's what it's supposed to look like!"

Still, that's progress for you. Amiga may bounce back with some new super operating system, like they say they're going to, but I don't think anyone's holding their breath. If and when it comes, it will have to be judged on its merits and where it is in the market place.

Farewell, my old friend. You've been a great help over the years, but I can't play with you when I'm lying in bed. ;-)

---

Craig's Amiga will shortly be retired to the loft, where it will live with his CD32. Craig's past computers have included the Acorn Electron and the Amstrad PC1512. Don't laugh.

The kinkyMachine Recommends... Part 2!

Managed to stick to the formula set up in the previous installment of Recommends.... So, here is a new(ish) book, video and CD that we recommend. Tell us if you agree with us, or whether we're talking out of the bottom of our keyboard.
Remember, if you've seen, read, or heard anything fabulous recently, then let us know. It doesn't even have to be new. If you really dig Homer's Odyssey (mmm, Cyclops!) then let us know.

Book:e. by Matt Beaumont
This is a truly original and hilarious first novel by Matt Beaumont. Told entirely in e-mails, it concerns the goings-on in a top flight London advertising agency, Miller Shanks while they try to win the sacred Coca-Cola account. This is a place where everyone is gloriously two-faced, mad, power-crazed and often all at the same time, from the eager young (sex-mad) copywrighters up to the CEO who can't seem to get his e-mail working properly, taking in the sad bloke in accounts who wants to sell his waffle-iron ("First to see will buy!")

The style takes a bit of getting used to, but once you're in, you won't want to come up for air (isn't it funny how you can't seem to review something without using cliches? Hmm...). For anyone who's ever worked in an office, or with a group of bizarre people, this book will hit a chord. The team at Miller Shanks are recognizable, abhorrent and yet compelling. Some you'd want to go down the pub with, others you'd run a mile to avoid.

Hell, no more words - this book is BRILLIANT. Buy it now!

Video:Northern Exposure Season One Boxset
Possibly one of the greatest TV shows of the late '80s, Northern Exposure followed in the bizarre footsteps of shows like Twin Peaks, bringing the strange goings-on of small-town USA to light. The show concerns the newly-qualified doctor, Joel Fleischmann, whose medical education was paid for by the state of Alaska, where he has to work for a few years to repay the debt. Joel thinks he'll get a nice practise in Anchorage, but finds himself in the middle of nowhere, or more precisely, Ciceley, a small town inhabited by some strange inhabitants.

At times, Joel finds himself furious with his situation, but the warmth and eccentricity of the town and its people overtake him against his will. From Maurice Minnefield, the ex-astronaut who runs the town, Chris Stevens, the town's DJ with a passion for psychology and (sometimes) kleptomania, down to Ed, the young local with a burning interest in Cinema (especially Fellini), all the characters are unique and incredible.

Even if you only vaguely remember the show, and remember enjoying it, then I suggest you buy this boxset. You won't be disappointed!

CD:Know Your Enemy by the Manic Street Preachers
Wales' favorite sons (or is that the Stereophonics?) return with a pretty decent new album. The first half is sheer brilliance, including the double singles "So Why So Sad"and "Found That Soul", and the incredible new single "Ocean Spray". Having said that, the rest of the album is pretty good too, with "Royal Correspondent" asserting itself as one of my favorites.

Nicky Wire (bass player, often wears a dress) takes the mike for the first time on "Wattsville Blues" a lo-fi homage to his home town. Okay, his singing isn't the best in the world, but I'd rather listen to him than Geri Halliwell. His refrain at the end of "Miss Europa Disco Dancer" is also intriguing, but I'll leave that to you to discover.

A bit of a mixed bag, possibly not as good as either Everything Must Go or This Is My Truth... (of the post-Richie albums) but still very much worth a listen.

Blah, blah blah, yaketty-schmaketty!

Hey ho, everybody! Yep, back again with an update!

Got rid of some stuff, such as the guestbook, cos no one was using it, and the archive, because it was pointless. (BTW, thank you for voting in the logo opinion poll, Dan (of Dan and Milanie fame) - sorry I couldn't contact you direct, but your e-mail address seemed to be wrong! D'oh!)

Actually, this update is something special. This will probably be the last time that I publish stuff created soley on my Amiga. Yes, the old girl is finally going into retirement. She was bought in late 1995, to replace the A1200 I had that contracted a nasty power spike which trashed the hard drive (d'oh!). But now, the time has come to upgrade my computer system to fully embrace the wonders of full, working JavaScript, Flash, RealAudio, MP3s, QuickTime (Yes, I know you can do some of these on an Amiga, but have you tried?) So, in a few weeks time, I should have a shiny bright iBook (yum!), so expect the next update to be a little bit more... spangly! In the meantime, I've created a tribute to my Amiga. (No flowers, please, just donations!)

Right, as usual I'm outta here! Remember, if you want to know when this site gets updated, then join the kinkymachine2001 group - just click on the link to the left for more info! Take part in the important burger survey on-line! Your vote counts!

Byeeeeee!

Britney Spears - oh dear, oh dear, oh dear...

Now some of you may have noticed the "pop sensation" that is Miss Britney Spears, who has taken the music world by storm over the last year. In the past, Britney has set herself up as some sort of Lolita-esque figure - who could forget the school-uniform of her first single or the stunning red and black PVC combo of "Born to Make You Happy"?

Now, as you may know, the young lady has a new single out, called "Oops, I Did It Again...", and those of you with access to the myriad permutations of MTV on Sky (or if you just love Saturday morning kids TV) will have seen the video to this single.

For those that haven't, let me summarize. A dashing astronaut flies off to Mars and encounters our Brit who has seemingly set herself up a Queen of Mars (or something). So far so good (though what it's got to do with the song is anybody's guess - and what is that Titanic bit all about?), but my major problem is with the young lady's outfit. She's wearing a red latex catsuit.

"Now what's wrong with that, Craig?" I hear you ask. "You're a purveyor of all things kinky, aren't you?"

Yes I am, but I also believe in style. Miss Spears has chosen to wear an item of provocative clothing, but YOU CAN'T WEAR A CATSUIT WITH FLARED LEGS AND (wait for it...) BLACK TRAINERS!! It's positively criminal! Okay, so you can't exactly dance easily in 4-inch high stilletto knee-high boots, but black trainers, for heavens sake!

I do have to say, though, that the other outfits she wears in the video are much better, and show signs of improvement. So, Britney, sort it out! If you are going to be a kinky sex-kitten, then do it right. Get the boots, get the catsuits, sack your stylist and do the job properly!

And don't get me started on Steps...

Review: "Star Wars: The Phantom Menace"

Yes, having somehow lost the clumsy Episode I moniker, Star Wars: The Phantom Menace has made it onto our video shelves. Now, those of you that know me will think you already know what I think of the film, but the truth is, I've changed my mind!

You see, when it came out, there was all the hoo-hah and hype, and it was all a bit disappointing really. Sure, it was Star Wars, there were all the familiar things: lightsabers, droids, space battles, the Force, but it seemed to lack something. Some harsher critics have said that it could do with a plot, or characters that you could care for, but I feel that was way too strong. Yes, this is a slower, weaker, start than a Star Destroyer thundering overhead, but this is the start of a six-part story. There must be room for development within the story in order for us to get to Episode IV. (When will they start calling it Star Wars: A New Hope, then?)

Anyway, I saw it again on video, six months after I last saw it at the cinema - and I've warmed to it. I've managed to get over my prejudices and enjoy the film for what it is - a hugely enjoyable romp in the Star Wars galaxy. (I can't believe I just used the word romp....) Yes, Jar Jar is annoying, but not really as bad as everyone really thinks - after all he is the first really comic character in the story, so I think we can forgive him.

So, yes, go get the video - pause it to see the ETs in the senate chamber, ignore some of the rougher CGI work (none of it as bad as Special Edition Jabba, thank God!) and just have a damn good time waiting for Episode II!

J.F.O. - Gail Porter

This is a new bit designed to let you get something off your chest. If someone really annoys you by their mere presence on this planet, then vent your spleen here.
In the first of our new series, J.F.O. (Just F*** Off) the first person to come under the hammer is the "wee" Scottish person called Gail Porter, who has somehow managed to infiltrate the nation's TV sets and crops up on every bloody TV programme that she can (still waiting for her Through the Keyhole debut though). From the early morning Big Breakfast to Top of the Pops and through to dotcomedy, we all have to put up with her huge eyes that look as if they're going to pop any second, her annoying twee Scottish accent, and her "aren't I cute and wee and funny?"

NO, YOU'RE NOT! YOU'RE BLOODY ANNOYING! GO AWAY!

And it's not as if you can get away from here by reading a magazine. There she is, either in FHM, Maxim, Loaded or all three! And so much for her final nude photo shoot that appeared last year - she's only gone and stripped off again recently. KEEP YOUR CLOTHES ON WOMAN, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

And did projecting a huge photo of her on the House of Commons really shift more copies of FHM? - I don't think so. The whole country just thought, "Oh God, it's Gail Porter without her clothes again!" and turned off the TV.

And cutting her hair didn't help improve her image at all. It just made her look even more like an annoying pixie, that you wish would just fall back down the wishing well.

So, Miss Gail Porter, J.F.O.!!

Atomic Kitten - the little group that could

Ah, Atomic Kitten. Where to begin? Formed in 1998, when Kerry Katona met Elizabeth "Liz / Lil" McClarnon and decided to set up a group with Natasha "Tash" Hamilton. After a while, they signed a record deal with Innocent in 1999, and released their first single "Right Now" in December of that same year. (Rumours that they were to be called Nuclear Pussy are incorrect and forwarded only by Mr. B. Molko of Placebo. It is a great name though...) The record did okay, ending up in the Top 10, and was followed by more singles, including the stonking "I Want Your Love", a mix of the High Chapperal theme and a funky pop song. An album was released, "Right Now", which did very little, very quickly.

We at the kinkyMachine had adopted the girls, mainly because we felt they were going nowhere. We liked their underdog spirit, their northern charms, and their determination to do their thing, even if the general public seemed to be ignoring them. These days, it seems like you have to be a success immediately in the pop game, or else you'll be out before you can say Chesney Hawkes. We heard all the rumours, that Kerry was suffering from exhaustion and depression. The end is nigh, we felt.

And then a few strange things happened. Kerry appeared in Hello! magazine with her boyfriend Bryan from Westlife. Then the band released "Whole Again", a quite nice ballad, with a Sugababes styled video. Then Kerry said she was leaving the band because she was pregnant. The world was shocked, and not just because one of Westlife has been allowed to reproduce. Bang zoom, she was gone. The Kittens thought about it for a while, as they had a single to promote, and so drafted in Jenny Frost, an ex-member of one-time Eurovision hopefuls, Precious. And then "Whole Again" went to number one, beating U2's "Stuck in a moment..." ("We've been licked by the Kitten" - Bono) and stayed there for four weeks. At the time of writing, the song was spending its sixth week inside the top three. Live performances ensued, with the girls holding their own, and now Atomic Kitten are big news.

Publicity stunt? Methinks not. It did seem a strange time for Kerry to bail out of the band she started, but that's pregnancy for you. It did give them some wider recognition, but enough to make them the biggest selling act of the year so far? The song is good, but nothing special. Anyway, whatever reasons, the Kittens have proved that they can do it, and also keeping their cool at a time when most lightweight bands would have collapsed.

Hall of Fame: Lolo Ferrari

This is the section of the kinkyMachine that celebrates, the weird, the wild and the downright peculiar. People or institutions that have stuck two fingers up at the establishment and said, "No! Cheese, peanut butter and jam is a perfectly sane sandwich filling! So there!"

We are also pleased to announce that Lolo Ferrari is the inaugural member of the kinkyMachine Hall of Fame - an award dedicated to those that exceed the boundaries of everyday life and push the limits of the unusual.

Regular viewers of Channel 4's Eurotrash were no doubt saddened to hear of the untimely death of one of the programme's presenters, Miss Lolo Ferrari. Lolo first came to the world's attention at the Cannes Film Festival in May 1995, where she unleashed her charms (namely her reported 71 inch breasts) on an unsuspecting public.

From that point on, she became a celebrated feature on Eurotrash, which followed her career, including her single "Airbag Generation", and a film called Camping Cosmos (kind of a European "Carry On..." - shudder!) She was perhaps best known on the show for her section "Lolopops", where she reviewed the latest Euro pop "sensations", as well as the sublime "Look at Lolo" where the show focused on Lolo performing a number of activities, such as hula-hooping, with a couple of chums.

Always striving to alter her appearances (some reports say that she was a very troubled person who suffered from "body morphic" disorder which prevents people from seeing themselves as they really are), she allegedly underwent 22 operations on her body, especially her face and breasts. There was a rumour that her final implants were designed by a Boeing engineer to withstand the pressures of air-travel.

Although she was a product of the image-obsessed nineties, she had many fans across the world, especially Germany and Austria (where they probably bought most of her records too!) We here at the KinkyMachine salute you, Lolo, and we hope you find the peace (and the perfect body you so desired) wherever you are now.

The kinkyMachine Recommends...

To celebrate our new, glorious union with Amazon.co.uk, we've developed this new page to inform you of the best things since sliced bread. Our favourite books, games, CDs, Videos and whatever else tickles our fancy will appear here, and (by the miracle of modern technology) if you click on an item, you will be whisked away to Amazon.co.uk where you will be able to purchase said item. Marvellous, isn't it?

But it doesn't stop there. Oh no. You, yes you, (no, not you, YOU!) can write in and recommend anything as well. Tell us why it's so pant-wettingly wonderful and we'll stick it up, so that others can share its excellence. Hurrah!

Right, on with the show....

The Truth by Terry Pratchett
The latest in the Discworld series, The Truth is possibly one of Terry Pratchett's best novels. The plot concerns the rise of journalism in Ankh-Morpork (The Discworld's biggest city, for all you newcomers), as well as a plot to overthrow the city's benevolent dictator, all overshadowed by a couple of wannabe Reservoir Dogs. If you are a newcomer to the Discworld, then this might actually be a good place to start. The majority of the characters are new, but there are still wonderful cameos and bit-parts for some of the old favorites (Especially the bit with the Bursar at the beginning....). Terry Pratchett's writing is as good as ever, and he's even managed to ride the plot all the way home with this book (which makes a refreshing change). If you want a good laugh, but also a brilliant insight into the manipulation of the media, then you could do no better than this book. Oh, and it's also got humourous-looking vegetables in it....

Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 3 Box 1
The best show on TV at the moment (or not if you're stuck with BBC2 and its bloody snooker or whatever...), this box set contains the first half of the third season of Buffy, possibly the best it's ever got. Angel got packed off to hell at the end of the previous seson, leaving Buffy feeling a tad upset, so she went off to the big city, called herself Anne and moped around a bit. Still, after that things really get interesting. A new Slayer, Faith, turns up and starts causing some havoc (and not just 'cos Eliza Dushku is an ultimate babe - if a trifle unhinged...). Add to that the rise of the hysterical Mayor Wilkins, and you'll just about be ready for the second half of the season. The writing is excellent, the cast fabulous (Anya also gets introduced in these episodes as well, yippee!) and it really just is the badger's nadgers. Go forth and buy now!

Light Years by Kylie Minogue
She's back, and this time she's wearing a... well, not much really. Still, never mind, eh! The Princess of Pop is back to show Britney, Christina and Bob the Builder how to do it, and she's as camp as a row of pink tents. From the fabulous singles, "Spinning Around" and "On a Night Like This" to the '70s Pet Shop Boys'esque "Your Disco Needs You" this is a stunning slice of pure Pop. If you can't find the music to get down and boogie, then this is the album for you. From Donna Summer to Village People though to Robbie's "Kids", this CD will take you back in time to your youth, and memories of your parents doing unspeakable things in polyester. Brilliant, just Brilliant. 'Nuff sed. (And that's a corking picture on the cover too!)

Morning Everybody and Welcome to kinkyMachine!

Ah, a new year and more new stuff from the kinkyMachine (you can hardly believe your eyes, can you? Thought not!). Well, I hope you are all keeping well, whoever you are. I can't believe this site is getting nearly 30 hits a week - there must be people out there who like what we're doing here. If you are then tell us about yourselves - who you are, where you come from, whether you eat your burger first, then the fries, or the fries first then the burger, or perhaps (gasp...) both at the same time. It's important you know. I may even have to set up a survey. But I'm rambling on here....

Big news this update is that kinkyMachine has become an Amazon.co.uk Associate. This means we get to put banners and things all over the site, and if someone buys something via this site, then we get a percentage of the sale. Wahey! To celebrate, we've designed a new section of the kinkyMachine where we recommend books, videos, CDs and so on, and you can buy them direct from Amazon.co.uk. Everyone's happy! If you have a recommendation, then let us know and we'll include it in a future update.

Congratulations to Atomic Kitten for their ground-breaking stay at Number 1 in the UK singles chart - "Whole Again" is the biggest selling single so far this year. We here at the kinkyMachine had adopted the little Kits - mainly because we felt they were having a damn good stab at this pop malarky and getting nowhere - and we thought they never would.... (If we ever give out betting tips on this site - IGNORE THEM!) So, in honour of the Kits success, we have nominated them to enter the kinkyMachine Hall of Fame. Hurrah!

Well, that's enough of my witterings for the moment. Keep in touch, everyone, and I'll see you around!