J.F.O. - Gail Porter

This is a new bit designed to let you get something off your chest. If someone really annoys you by their mere presence on this planet, then vent your spleen here.
In the first of our new series, J.F.O. (Just F*** Off) the first person to come under the hammer is the "wee" Scottish person called Gail Porter, who has somehow managed to infiltrate the nation's TV sets and crops up on every bloody TV programme that she can (still waiting for her Through the Keyhole debut though). From the early morning Big Breakfast to Top of the Pops and through to dotcomedy, we all have to put up with her huge eyes that look as if they're going to pop any second, her annoying twee Scottish accent, and her "aren't I cute and wee and funny?"

NO, YOU'RE NOT! YOU'RE BLOODY ANNOYING! GO AWAY!

And it's not as if you can get away from here by reading a magazine. There she is, either in FHM, Maxim, Loaded or all three! And so much for her final nude photo shoot that appeared last year - she's only gone and stripped off again recently. KEEP YOUR CLOTHES ON WOMAN, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

And did projecting a huge photo of her on the House of Commons really shift more copies of FHM? - I don't think so. The whole country just thought, "Oh God, it's Gail Porter without her clothes again!" and turned off the TV.

And cutting her hair didn't help improve her image at all. It just made her look even more like an annoying pixie, that you wish would just fall back down the wishing well.

So, Miss Gail Porter, J.F.O.!!

Atomic Kitten - the little group that could

Ah, Atomic Kitten. Where to begin? Formed in 1998, when Kerry Katona met Elizabeth "Liz / Lil" McClarnon and decided to set up a group with Natasha "Tash" Hamilton. After a while, they signed a record deal with Innocent in 1999, and released their first single "Right Now" in December of that same year. (Rumours that they were to be called Nuclear Pussy are incorrect and forwarded only by Mr. B. Molko of Placebo. It is a great name though...) The record did okay, ending up in the Top 10, and was followed by more singles, including the stonking "I Want Your Love", a mix of the High Chapperal theme and a funky pop song. An album was released, "Right Now", which did very little, very quickly.

We at the kinkyMachine had adopted the girls, mainly because we felt they were going nowhere. We liked their underdog spirit, their northern charms, and their determination to do their thing, even if the general public seemed to be ignoring them. These days, it seems like you have to be a success immediately in the pop game, or else you'll be out before you can say Chesney Hawkes. We heard all the rumours, that Kerry was suffering from exhaustion and depression. The end is nigh, we felt.

And then a few strange things happened. Kerry appeared in Hello! magazine with her boyfriend Bryan from Westlife. Then the band released "Whole Again", a quite nice ballad, with a Sugababes styled video. Then Kerry said she was leaving the band because she was pregnant. The world was shocked, and not just because one of Westlife has been allowed to reproduce. Bang zoom, she was gone. The Kittens thought about it for a while, as they had a single to promote, and so drafted in Jenny Frost, an ex-member of one-time Eurovision hopefuls, Precious. And then "Whole Again" went to number one, beating U2's "Stuck in a moment..." ("We've been licked by the Kitten" - Bono) and stayed there for four weeks. At the time of writing, the song was spending its sixth week inside the top three. Live performances ensued, with the girls holding their own, and now Atomic Kitten are big news.

Publicity stunt? Methinks not. It did seem a strange time for Kerry to bail out of the band she started, but that's pregnancy for you. It did give them some wider recognition, but enough to make them the biggest selling act of the year so far? The song is good, but nothing special. Anyway, whatever reasons, the Kittens have proved that they can do it, and also keeping their cool at a time when most lightweight bands would have collapsed.

Hall of Fame: Lolo Ferrari

This is the section of the kinkyMachine that celebrates, the weird, the wild and the downright peculiar. People or institutions that have stuck two fingers up at the establishment and said, "No! Cheese, peanut butter and jam is a perfectly sane sandwich filling! So there!"

We are also pleased to announce that Lolo Ferrari is the inaugural member of the kinkyMachine Hall of Fame - an award dedicated to those that exceed the boundaries of everyday life and push the limits of the unusual.

Regular viewers of Channel 4's Eurotrash were no doubt saddened to hear of the untimely death of one of the programme's presenters, Miss Lolo Ferrari. Lolo first came to the world's attention at the Cannes Film Festival in May 1995, where she unleashed her charms (namely her reported 71 inch breasts) on an unsuspecting public.

From that point on, she became a celebrated feature on Eurotrash, which followed her career, including her single "Airbag Generation", and a film called Camping Cosmos (kind of a European "Carry On..." - shudder!) She was perhaps best known on the show for her section "Lolopops", where she reviewed the latest Euro pop "sensations", as well as the sublime "Look at Lolo" where the show focused on Lolo performing a number of activities, such as hula-hooping, with a couple of chums.

Always striving to alter her appearances (some reports say that she was a very troubled person who suffered from "body morphic" disorder which prevents people from seeing themselves as they really are), she allegedly underwent 22 operations on her body, especially her face and breasts. There was a rumour that her final implants were designed by a Boeing engineer to withstand the pressures of air-travel.

Although she was a product of the image-obsessed nineties, she had many fans across the world, especially Germany and Austria (where they probably bought most of her records too!) We here at the KinkyMachine salute you, Lolo, and we hope you find the peace (and the perfect body you so desired) wherever you are now.