What is the kinkyMachine?
I'm glad you asked that. Well, the kinkyMachine is a website, chock full of stuff that interests me, that irritates me, that excites me and makes me laugh. It's also a place where like-minded and bloody-minded people can have a scrap. Feel free to contribute anything you want to the kinkyMachine.
How do I do that then?
Send me an e-mail! That's the quickest and easiest way.
Where did the name kinkyMachine come from?
Well, that's kind of a strange tale. When I signed up with FreeNetName they gave me a free domain name, so I had to think one up quite quickly. I'm a big Jean-Michel Jarre fan, and he recorded a track called "Erosmachine" (only available on bootleg CD now) which I thought was a cool name, but I didn't want to rip it off directly. Long time viewers will know that this started off as a fetish website (another of my, ahem, interests!), so I wanted something to suggest that - and so kinkyMachine was born! Only later, when I typed the word into Google, did I find out about kinkymachine.com (a really quite rude, but cool website) and the fact that there was an early nineties band with the same name. So there you go. Totally unoriginal, as it turns out, but I thought it was cool. I still do, so there!
Um, who the heck are you, anyway?
Who, me? Oh, well, my name is Craig Stevens, I was born in Chatham, Kent on 25th February, 1974, so feel free to send cards and presents at the appropriate time of year (heck, send them all year!) After living in Kuwait for three years (1980-83) I went to King's School, Rochester for the next nine years where people tried to teach me Latin, where I totally lost the ability to speak to girls and suffered a case of mistaken identity involving the "A" team for Rugby (they thought I was someone who wanted to get his head stamped on at every opportunity and I didn't!) After all that, I went to the University of Wales in Swansea where I studied American Studies and English. There I relentlessly pursued most available (and unavailable) females in the first year, for which I would like to apologise! In my third year I went to Northern Arizona University, where I shared a room with three other guys (one of which could watch a whole episode of The Simpsons without cracking a smile, and then say afterwards how funny it was - go figure!) After that I came back to Swansea for my final year, spent most of it in my room with my girlfriend Emma (ah, those were the days...!), managed to get a degree without really breaking into a sweat, and found myself unemployed for six months. Then the fickle finger of fate pointed itself at me and I found myself with a Christmas job at D-D-Dixons. Things transpired, as they do, and I found myself on their graduate development programme. After five years, I realised that I was fed up with going nowhere fast, and being shouted at everyday just because someone didn't get their dishwasher (ever heard of Fairy liquid?), and so I 've got myself a job as manager of a bookshop in Harlow. Which is nice. In the meantime, I bought a house with Emma in Chelmsford, and we got married in August 1999. Which is even nicer. If you want to know more about me and my life, then you must be quite sad or an obsessive stalker. Either way, hello!
Monday, 27 May 2002
Wednesday, 25 July 2001
Tribute to an Amiga 1200
It was a cold and dark night in Swansea in 1995, when I received my new Amiga. My previous A1200, on which many essays had been written, and countless campaigns against the Kilrathi had been fought (as well as umpteen trips around the galaxy, starting from Lave), had died earlier that year. It seems that the standard power supply with the Amiga couldn't handle expansion devices and so on, and had given up the ghost after randomly turning itself off, and trashing the hard disk in the process.
So, now armed with a new A1200, supplied by Escom (then owners of the company), a dedicated monitor (no TVs any more!) and a super huge power supply, me and my Amiga set out to conquer the world (much to the chagrin of my then girlfriend Emma, who often had to lure me away... but I digress!). Many campaigns of Civilization were fought (into the early hours) and, with the aid of a CD-ROM drive (that often went wrong too) a huge new world was opened to me.
Fast-forward on a few years, and I managed to get a dirt-cheap modem from work, and finally we had made it onto the internet. They said it couldn't be done (well, those people who hadn't seen an Amiga since an A500), but there we were, surfing the web, e-mailing, on-line shopping, etc. I suppose that was about three years ago now, and unfortunatley, the world is marching on too fast for my poor old girl now. All these websites seem to want you to have Flash or JavaScript routines that work 100%, and the software just can't handle it now.
I could upgrade, I know, but I would be throwing money away on a computer that was designed nearly ten years ago, and it's not worth it. I want to be able to use chat-rooms, play games on the net and watch the latest film-trailers. Don't worry, I haven't sold my soul to the devil and his underling Bill Gates, I would never do that. I plan to get a spangly new iBook (even though it chafes to use things like Outlook Express, and Word!), and update this website to bring it into the 21st century.
Frankly, the jump will be a huge one. I've been looking at various Mac magazines and their reviews, and it's making my mind boggle. I suppose I've never really thought how big the gap between my Amiga and a modern computer is. Just look at these differences:
| Feature | iBook DVD | Amiga A1200 |
|---|---|---|
| Processor | G3 500MHz | 68030 50MHz |
| Cache | 256K | Eh? |
| RAM | 128Mb | 2Mb Chip & 8Mb Fast |
| Hard Disk | 10 Gb | 170 Mb |
| Optical Drive | DVD-ROM | None, can add CD-ROM |
| Ports | 2xUSB, 1xFireWire, 1xEthernet, AV | Serial, Parallel, PCMCIA |
| On Screen Colours | At least 32,000 (I think) | 32 (Can push it up to 128, but it won't do anything else - at 64 it falls over a lot!) |
And that's just scratching the surface! Thirteen times the memory! God knows how much more hard disk space! I had palpitations when I saw that a scanner software for the Mac was looking like it was going to take 20Mb up! My brain can't handle those kind of figures!
It's going to be a hard thing to get used to a whole new operating system. I'm sure I'll say things like "Oh, I used to be able to do that on my Miggy", or "I don't like the way that works on this Mac", but after a while, I'm sure it'll be more like, "Wow, I couldn't do that on my Amiga" or, "Oh, so that's what it's supposed to look like!"
Still, that's progress for you. Amiga may bounce back with some new super operating system, like they say they're going to, but I don't think anyone's holding their breath. If and when it comes, it will have to be judged on its merits and where it is in the market place.
Farewell, my old friend. You've been a great help over the years, but I can't play with you when I'm lying in bed. ;-)
Craig's Amiga will shortly be retired to the loft, where it will live with his CD32. Craig's past computers have included the Acorn Electron and the Amstrad PC1512. Don't laugh.
Saturday, 21 July 2001
The kinkyMachine Recommends... Part 2!
Managed to stick to the formula set up in the previous installment of Recommends.... So, here is a new(ish) book, video and CD that we recommend. Tell us if you agree with us, or whether we're talking out of the bottom of our keyboard.
Remember, if you've seen, read, or heard anything fabulous recently, then let us know. It doesn't even have to be new. If you really dig Homer's Odyssey (mmm, Cyclops!) then let us know.
Book:e. by Matt Beaumont
This is a truly original and hilarious first novel by Matt Beaumont. Told entirely in e-mails, it concerns the goings-on in a top flight London advertising agency, Miller Shanks while they try to win the sacred Coca-Cola account. This is a place where everyone is gloriously two-faced, mad, power-crazed and often all at the same time, from the eager young (sex-mad) copywrighters up to the CEO who can't seem to get his e-mail working properly, taking in the sad bloke in accounts who wants to sell his waffle-iron ("First to see will buy!")
The style takes a bit of getting used to, but once you're in, you won't want to come up for air (isn't it funny how you can't seem to review something without using cliches? Hmm...). For anyone who's ever worked in an office, or with a group of bizarre people, this book will hit a chord. The team at Miller Shanks are recognizable, abhorrent and yet compelling. Some you'd want to go down the pub with, others you'd run a mile to avoid.
Hell, no more words - this book is BRILLIANT. Buy it now!
Video:Northern Exposure Season One Boxset
Possibly one of the greatest TV shows of the late '80s, Northern Exposure followed in the bizarre footsteps of shows like Twin Peaks, bringing the strange goings-on of small-town USA to light. The show concerns the newly-qualified doctor, Joel Fleischmann, whose medical education was paid for by the state of Alaska, where he has to work for a few years to repay the debt. Joel thinks he'll get a nice practise in Anchorage, but finds himself in the middle of nowhere, or more precisely, Ciceley, a small town inhabited by some strange inhabitants.
At times, Joel finds himself furious with his situation, but the warmth and eccentricity of the town and its people overtake him against his will. From Maurice Minnefield, the ex-astronaut who runs the town, Chris Stevens, the town's DJ with a passion for psychology and (sometimes) kleptomania, down to Ed, the young local with a burning interest in Cinema (especially Fellini), all the characters are unique and incredible.
Even if you only vaguely remember the show, and remember enjoying it, then I suggest you buy this boxset. You won't be disappointed!
CD:Know Your Enemy by the Manic Street Preachers
Wales' favorite sons (or is that the Stereophonics?) return with a pretty decent new album. The first half is sheer brilliance, including the double singles "So Why So Sad"and "Found That Soul", and the incredible new single "Ocean Spray". Having said that, the rest of the album is pretty good too, with "Royal Correspondent" asserting itself as one of my favorites.
Nicky Wire (bass player, often wears a dress) takes the mike for the first time on "Wattsville Blues" a lo-fi homage to his home town. Okay, his singing isn't the best in the world, but I'd rather listen to him than Geri Halliwell. His refrain at the end of "Miss Europa Disco Dancer" is also intriguing, but I'll leave that to you to discover.
A bit of a mixed bag, possibly not as good as either Everything Must Go or This Is My Truth... (of the post-Richie albums) but still very much worth a listen.
Remember, if you've seen, read, or heard anything fabulous recently, then let us know. It doesn't even have to be new. If you really dig Homer's Odyssey (mmm, Cyclops!) then let us know.
Book:e. by Matt Beaumont
This is a truly original and hilarious first novel by Matt Beaumont. Told entirely in e-mails, it concerns the goings-on in a top flight London advertising agency, Miller Shanks while they try to win the sacred Coca-Cola account. This is a place where everyone is gloriously two-faced, mad, power-crazed and often all at the same time, from the eager young (sex-mad) copywrighters up to the CEO who can't seem to get his e-mail working properly, taking in the sad bloke in accounts who wants to sell his waffle-iron ("First to see will buy!")
The style takes a bit of getting used to, but once you're in, you won't want to come up for air (isn't it funny how you can't seem to review something without using cliches? Hmm...). For anyone who's ever worked in an office, or with a group of bizarre people, this book will hit a chord. The team at Miller Shanks are recognizable, abhorrent and yet compelling. Some you'd want to go down the pub with, others you'd run a mile to avoid.
Hell, no more words - this book is BRILLIANT. Buy it now!
Video:Northern Exposure Season One Boxset
Possibly one of the greatest TV shows of the late '80s, Northern Exposure followed in the bizarre footsteps of shows like Twin Peaks, bringing the strange goings-on of small-town USA to light. The show concerns the newly-qualified doctor, Joel Fleischmann, whose medical education was paid for by the state of Alaska, where he has to work for a few years to repay the debt. Joel thinks he'll get a nice practise in Anchorage, but finds himself in the middle of nowhere, or more precisely, Ciceley, a small town inhabited by some strange inhabitants.
At times, Joel finds himself furious with his situation, but the warmth and eccentricity of the town and its people overtake him against his will. From Maurice Minnefield, the ex-astronaut who runs the town, Chris Stevens, the town's DJ with a passion for psychology and (sometimes) kleptomania, down to Ed, the young local with a burning interest in Cinema (especially Fellini), all the characters are unique and incredible.
Even if you only vaguely remember the show, and remember enjoying it, then I suggest you buy this boxset. You won't be disappointed!
CD:Know Your Enemy by the Manic Street Preachers
Wales' favorite sons (or is that the Stereophonics?) return with a pretty decent new album. The first half is sheer brilliance, including the double singles "So Why So Sad"and "Found That Soul", and the incredible new single "Ocean Spray". Having said that, the rest of the album is pretty good too, with "Royal Correspondent" asserting itself as one of my favorites.
Nicky Wire (bass player, often wears a dress) takes the mike for the first time on "Wattsville Blues" a lo-fi homage to his home town. Okay, his singing isn't the best in the world, but I'd rather listen to him than Geri Halliwell. His refrain at the end of "Miss Europa Disco Dancer" is also intriguing, but I'll leave that to you to discover.
A bit of a mixed bag, possibly not as good as either Everything Must Go or This Is My Truth... (of the post-Richie albums) but still very much worth a listen.
Friday, 20 July 2001
Blah, blah blah, yaketty-schmaketty!
Hey ho, everybody! Yep, back again with an update!
Got rid of some stuff, such as the guestbook, cos no one was using it, and the archive, because it was pointless. (BTW, thank you for voting in the logo opinion poll, Dan (of Dan and Milanie fame) - sorry I couldn't contact you direct, but your e-mail address seemed to be wrong! D'oh!)
Actually, this update is something special. This will probably be the last time that I publish stuff created soley on my Amiga. Yes, the old girl is finally going into retirement. She was bought in late 1995, to replace the A1200 I had that contracted a nasty power spike which trashed the hard drive (d'oh!). But now, the time has come to upgrade my computer system to fully embrace the wonders of full, working JavaScript, Flash, RealAudio, MP3s, QuickTime (Yes, I know you can do some of these on an Amiga, but have you tried?) So, in a few weeks time, I should have a shiny bright iBook (yum!), so expect the next update to be a little bit more... spangly! In the meantime, I've created a tribute to my Amiga. (No flowers, please, just donations!)
Right, as usual I'm outta here! Remember, if you want to know when this site gets updated, then join the kinkymachine2001 group - just click on the link to the left for more info! Take part in the important burger survey on-line! Your vote counts!
Byeeeeee!
Got rid of some stuff, such as the guestbook, cos no one was using it, and the archive, because it was pointless. (BTW, thank you for voting in the logo opinion poll, Dan (of Dan and Milanie fame) - sorry I couldn't contact you direct, but your e-mail address seemed to be wrong! D'oh!)
Actually, this update is something special. This will probably be the last time that I publish stuff created soley on my Amiga. Yes, the old girl is finally going into retirement. She was bought in late 1995, to replace the A1200 I had that contracted a nasty power spike which trashed the hard drive (d'oh!). But now, the time has come to upgrade my computer system to fully embrace the wonders of full, working JavaScript, Flash, RealAudio, MP3s, QuickTime (Yes, I know you can do some of these on an Amiga, but have you tried?) So, in a few weeks time, I should have a shiny bright iBook (yum!), so expect the next update to be a little bit more... spangly! In the meantime, I've created a tribute to my Amiga. (No flowers, please, just donations!)
Right, as usual I'm outta here! Remember, if you want to know when this site gets updated, then join the kinkymachine2001 group - just click on the link to the left for more info! Take part in the important burger survey on-line! Your vote counts!
Byeeeeee!
Sunday, 8 July 2001
Britney Spears - oh dear, oh dear, oh dear...
Now some of you may have noticed the "pop sensation" that is Miss Britney Spears, who has taken the music world by storm over the last year. In the past, Britney has set herself up as some sort of Lolita-esque figure - who could forget the school-uniform of her first single or the stunning red and black PVC combo of "Born to Make You Happy"? Now, as you may know, the young lady has a new single out, called "Oops, I Did It Again...", and those of you with access to the myriad permutations of MTV on Sky (or if you just love Saturday morning kids TV) will have seen the video to this single.
For those that haven't, let me summarize. A dashing astronaut flies off to Mars and encounters our Brit who has seemingly set herself up a Queen of Mars (or something). So far so good (though what it's got to do with the song is anybody's guess - and what is that Titanic bit all about?), but my major problem is with the young lady's outfit. She's wearing a red latex catsuit. "Now what's wrong with that, Craig?" I hear you ask. "You're a purveyor of all things kinky, aren't you?"
Yes I am, but I also believe in style. Miss Spears has chosen to wear an item of provocative clothing, but YOU CAN'T WEAR A CATSUIT WITH FLARED LEGS AND (wait for it...) BLACK TRAINERS!! It's positively criminal! Okay, so you can't exactly dance easily in 4-inch high stilletto knee-high boots, but black trainers, for heavens sake!
I do have to say, though, that the other outfits she wears in the video are much better, and show signs of improvement. So, Britney, sort it out! If you are going to be a kinky sex-kitten, then do it right. Get the boots, get the catsuits, sack your stylist and do the job properly! And don't get me started on Steps...
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